How to Talk to Your Ex .. and Win (Part II)
In Part I of How to Talk to Your Ex, I discussed the model for communicating with your co-parent. I call this the “R-B-B Rule.” To follow the R-B-B Rule:
Make your request or provide information to the other parent in a manner that is:
· Respectful
· Business-like
· Brief
A Win-Win-Win Strategy. If both parents follow the R-B-B Rule consistently, clearly this will be better for your children.
Co-parents who communicate respectfully and effectively probably will not wind up back in court very often – if at all. And the children of successful co-parents are much more likely to thrive. When both parents follow the R-B-B Rule, it sets the stage for everyone to thrive, a “win-win-win” situation.
Winning In Court. In some situations, co-parents will inevitably wind up back in court. When they find themselves before a judge or referee, they may try to introduce messages to and from their co-parent into be evidence. Following the R-B-B Rule can play an important role for setting you up for success in court.
In the course of my career, I have read many, many long and hateful messages between co-parents. I understand: summoning the strength to be “respectful” while your ex continues to send you long, harassing, anger-filled messages if a big ask. But it is typically well worth it.
Imagine you are a tired and overworked judge or referee. Before you is a motion from a Father seeking to swap a parenting time night. The parties do not agree on the swap. Imagine the following messages between the co-parents are part of the proposed evidence:
DAD: A conflict has developed on Wednesday nights. I would like to swap my
overnights with Taylor to Thursdays. Would that be okay with you?
MOM (Example #1): I am not sure that would work. Can you tell me the reason?
MOM (Example #2): This would disrupt everything. You always think of yourself and expect us to rearrange our lives because yours is so much more important. Just like when we were married. What is the reason? Are you joining another bowling league or does this have something to do with your new girlfriend’s schedule? You never think of Taylor. I am always the one who is asked to sacrifice and change. I have made all of my plans around this schedule. Now you want to disrupt everything for us.
DAD (Example #1): The reason I asked is that I have been asked to co-chair a church/community group and the group will be meeting on Wednesdays. I would like to devote my time with Taylor to her and would be happy to take her to her activities on Thursdays.
DAD (Example #2): You never change. You always just say “no” and launch into an attack. You never just answer the question. I am asking for a good reason but I don’t really owe you an answer. You’ll always just throw it back in my face. Why can’t you just answer the question? Does Taylor have a conflict on Thursdays or not? Why do you have to be like this? It makes me never want to try to ask you anything. I should just have gone to court first to have the judge change the dates without even asking you..
Now imagine that you are the judge or referee.
· * What is your impression of the individuals in Examples 1 versus Examples 2?
* Say you have read stacks of transcripts or pages of similar messages all day, which one is most helpful to you in deciding the present-day issue of whether the one overnight per week should be swapped?
* In many cases after a divorce has been entered, the court can only review developments since the date that the last court order was entered. Now you have to re-read the proposed exhibit and think about whether it contains hearsay, or inadmissible or irrelevant information or whether it may be more “prejudicial than probative.”
Long, wordy, angry messages that re-hash the past typically make the judge or referee’s job harder. If an important message is buried in a pile of irrelevant or inadmissible baggage, that detracts from getting your point across. And what if the messages sound threatening, hateful or involve requests to have the child carry the message, how does that factor into the decision the court is being asked to make?
So often, after an acrimonious divorce, parents may think that long and detailed messages will help their case if they need to go back to court. But when the message is long due to re-hashing past events and due to insults or attacks, it can undermine the case of the party who engages in that type of communication.
Resist the Temptation to Throw Gargage. Taking the high road and following the R-B-B Rule with succinct, respectful messages will help you by not only portraying your conduct in a more favorable light to a court but the clarity and relevance of your messages should make it easier for the judge or referee to focus on the request you are making.
If the other parent throws “garbage” into their messages, they only make their own point harder to understand. And a high volume of that type of garbage tends to create the impression that they are “the problem.” The garbage-thrower typically is doing themselves no favors in the eyes of the court.
Keep in mind the possibility that a judge or referee may one day review your messages to your ex. Even if your ex cannot resist throwing garbage, when your messages are successfully introduced into evidence and shed a favorable light on you, you will be glad that you resisted temptation to be a garbage-thrower too.
PLEASE NOTE: This blog is not intended to constitute legal, financial and/or tax advice. We do not recommend making important decisions of the type addressed in this article without specific legal or tax advice by a licensed accountant or lawyer.