How to Talk to Your Ex (Part I)
Part I: How to Talk To Your Ex
The best advice I ever received about helping divorced parents learn how to communicate was this:
Talk in the same way you would to your boss or to a person at church.
In other words, make your request or provide information to the other parent in a manner that is:
· Respectful
· Business-like
· Brief
I call this the “R-B-B Rule.”
I often share the R-B-B Rule with clients in difficult divorce and mediation situations. In my experience, this approach immediately improves the tone and temperature of the discussions. This is equally true in direct conversations as in text or email messages, which often are the primary way that most co-parents communicate following a divorce.
How To Formulate an R-B-B Message. See if you can spot the example that follows this advice. Here are two messages from one ex-spouse to the other about a child's upcoming sports event. Which do you think does a better job of "being heard" by the other parent and of helping the child of these divorced parents?
Message #1: "Chris, while I am sure you'll be too busy with your active social life to attend, Max has a basketball banquet next Friday. Let Max know if you think his activities are important enough for you to go."
Message #2: “Chris, Max has a basketball banquet next Friday at 5 Pm at the school. This is not on the activity calendar, so I am just letting you know. If you plan to attend, please let Coach Smith know.”
Message #1 starts with an insult (or at least an implicit sense of denigrating Chris' priorities). Even worse, Message #1 ends with a request to make the child carry messages between parents. Having the child carry messages between parents is something many court orders specifically prohibit. Courts (and mental health professionals) universally frown on “putting the child in the middle.” In this example, information about the banquet could have been conveyed between the adults without the insult or without placing the child in the painful emotional bind of being the parents’ messenger.
Do Not Have the Child Carry Messages. It is important to keep in mind is the purpose of communication between co-parents is to support the development of a happy and well-adjusted child. No matter how painful it may be to deal with an ex who has let you or your child down before, messages which direct the other parent to have the child carry the message are against the R-B-B Rule – the messages must be between the parents.
A brief, business-like message to your co-parent conveys the necessary information and it also keeps the child out of the parents’ direct communications.
Taking the High Road Is a Winning Strategy. When you communicate in a brief, respectful and business-like manner, you take the high road. You cannot control how the other parent will respond. Even if your co-parent violates all the communication rules of good co-parenting, your respectful messages might start to improve the tone and reduce tensions for your child.
When you take the high road and the other parent does not, it can be a tough pill to swallow. Sometimes it feels as though you might even be jeopardizing your legal position if you follow the R-B-B Rule – especially if your co-parent spews back venom and rehashes old grievances in response.
Following the R-B-B Rule does not set you up for failure in court. On the contrary. In my next article, I will address how following the R-B-B Rule can actually give the advantage in court to the parent who takes the high road.
PLEASE NOTE: This blog is not intended to constitute legal, financial and/or tax advice. We do not recommend making important decisions of the type addressed in this article without specific legal or tax advice by a licensed accountant or lawyer.