Navigating the Holidays After a Separation or Divorce
Our guest contributor, educator and Michigan author, Mary Yana Burau, whose work focuses on lifestyle, etiquette, family, and relationships, offers her thoughts on Navigating the Holidays after a Separation or Divorce:
The Holiday Season seems to bring out the best and worst. For example, if life is going well for you and your Family, it can seem like a Hallmark Channel movie, right? On the other hand, if you just lost a Family member, are in the midst of a separation/divorce, have lost a job or have experienced financial hardship, well, it can feel more like a bad dream you just want to wake-up from, right?
We have all been there on both sides in different degrees and it can be the best or the downright worst of times. With that in mind, here are some tips for Navigating Through the Holidays. If you are recently separated or divorced, remember that divorced or not, EVERYONE has experienced a difficult Holiday season, so YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Isn’t that what we want to know when we are experience something tough, that we are NOT ALONE?
Here are tips I learned in accompanying and observing friends, students/ families go through divorce during the Holidays. As a teacher, family educator and friend, I have to admit, most people seem to do a pretty good job of putting their children first and managing quite well during this busy and celebratory season. Back to the list…
1. You Are Not Alone. Remember that. Most everyone has experienced a difficult Holiday season. When we realize we are not alone in our tough times, it helps. If your children happen to be feeling a little down, explain this to them and be a listening ear when they want to talk about their questions as to how the Holidays will be different this year, compared to years in the past. Lean on your Faith.
2. Put Your Children First. When one decides to become a parent, they need to think of that child first. Keep that in mind in all of your decisions and conversations you have regarding your child’s plans for the holidays in terms of how they will be spent with or away from you. Children seem to have almost an “antenna” with radar for assessing stressful situations. Be aware of this in phone conversations they may overhear or conversations you may have about your ex- spouse. They will pick up on your clues and behavior. YOU are their first teacher, and you are teaching them how to handle conflict resolution. Remember that.
3. Solidifying YOUR Plans ASAP. If you will not be spending this Holiday season with your children, make sure YOU have definite plans. Know where YOU will be spending the holidays and who you will be with. Be intentional and take time to think about what you would like to do. Ask yourself who you would like to spend it with and where? Rather than spend time in an uncomfortable situation, maybe you would rather take a trip somewhere with a friend, somewhere you have always wanted to go, but hadn’t had the chance to. Make arrangements and you too will have something to look forward to. Let your children know your plans. Children want their parents to be happy, so they don’t have to worry about them. Let them know that you will be fine and that you will look forward to seeing them when they return.
4. You Are The Creator of Memories. Remember that. Take time while you are with your children to create fun experiences and traditions that they may someday look back on and do with THEIR children. Experiences such as making your favorite cookies and telling them why and if they are a family recipe sharing with them memories from your childhood. Consider making a calendar for grandparents or for yourselves with photos from your year. This can easily be done using Walgreens, Walmart, Sam’s, Costco Apps. Look for coupons online. Consider a night of Holiday movies with your favorite meal, putting on pjs early and bundling up in blankets. How about a night where you all get in the car and drive around listening to the music of the season and look at decorations after a stop at the McDonald’s drive through for hot cocoa? These experiences do not have to cost a lot of money, you are creating memories to last a lifetime and build strong family bonds. Remember the Reason for the Season, don’t focus on gifts. Put your phone on silent and just enjoy one another’s company.
5. Limit Conflict As Much As Possible. Your child does not deserve a PERFECT Holiday, however, they do deserve a Holiday season with as little conflict as possible between divorced parents. Remember at one time you did care for their other parent, your ex-spouse and you did create your beautiful children together, so there must be at least one redeeming quality. You don’t have to love them, but you do need to respect them as your child’s parent. Remember the Golden Rule, “Do Unto Others, As You Would Have Them Do Unto You,” as hard as it may be, your child is watching and learning. When picking up or dropping off, make sure you are on time, your child has everything they need and be at least cordial. Your child does deserve this from you, both of you. If there are grandparents involved, do everything to make it possible for your child to have a good relationship with these very special people in your child’s life. I have seen so many acts of kindness in the name of “I’m doing this for my child, even though it’s hard for me.” Things like, getting the new spouse a small gift from the child to the new stepparent, inviting the parent who is alone to a Holiday dinner, working a schedule out when something out of the ordinary comes up. Who knows, if your ex-spouse is a difficult person, your kind efforts may result in them making a change in their behavior, all in the name of your children…You never know.
6. Don’t Put Unnecessary Pressure on Yourself. Whether it is financial, trying to do too much, or trying to create the Perfect Holiday for your child. BE YOURSELF, set realistic expectations and try to do, as much as possible, what feel right for you and your Family. Choose for you and your children to be around supportive extended family and friends who are upbeat and fun. If you need to change Holiday traditions so you feel less stressed, DO IT. If you happen to be hosting, have everyone bring a dish or chip in and have it catered. Consider this attitude with every situation that can cause you unnecessary stress.
7. Lastly, seek help if you need it. If the stress of this time of year being different than years past or for whatever reason, talk to your clergy, counselor trusted Family member/friend. It is not a weakness to seek professional help. Do it for yourself, do it for your children….Think of the oxygen mask on the airplane, You place it over yourself first and then you assist your child, so that you are able to be there for them. It is not selfish to take care of yourself. Remember, if your cup is empty, you have nothing to give to those who count on you…Take care of yourself and invest in yourself, so you can be the best you can for those who count on you.
Happy Holidays…It’s a Great Day
NOTES FROM BANFIELD COULING LAW & MEDIATION:
Mary Yana Burau is an educator and Michigan author whose work focuses on lifestyle, etiquette, family, and relationships.
(1) Our thanks to Mary Yana Burau, author of It’s a Great Day To...Gather Around Table. Mary Yana Burau is an educator and Michigan author whose work focuses on lifestyle, etiquette, family, and relationships. She is a graduate of the University of Michigan School of Education and has taught home economics classes for children/ adults and worked in the Flint Schools, as well. She and her husband Brad have three adult children and three granddaughters.
(2) For more information on Mary Yana and her books and inspiring articles, visit:
https://www.itsagreatdayto.com/
PLEASE NOTE: This blog is not intended to constitute legal, financial, or mental health advice. We do not recommend making important decisions without the benefit of specific legal or professional advice addressing your issues and concerns. We at Banfield Couling Law and Mediation PLLC are here to help navigate your legal matter at any stage of your divorce or family law matter.