Co-Parenting During a Pandemic (Guest Blog: Anne Moskal, LMSW)
The challenges of navigating through coparenting in the midst of the COVID 19 pandemic cannot be underestimated. As if coparenting is not already a great test in communication and boundary setting, the challenges presented with the COVID 19 pandemic, are not surprisingly, exacerbating these common coparenting difficulties. So, if you haven’t already, please take a moment to give yourself credit for what you’ve gotten through thus far as even the most harmonious coparenting scenarios are not shielded from these challenges. As both a clinical therapist and one who coparents, I have experienced these unique challenges both professionally and personally. There are, however, some useful strategies that can be put in place to minimize coparenting stress during a pandemic.
Communicate and communicate well.
Commit to especially transparent and responsible communication. When tensions are high, our brains tend to make up stories about what others are thinking and those stories tend to be stories that lead us to assume a person is working against us. However, in most circumstances, this is not the case. Be willing to ask questions and offer to share what is on your mind without being accusatory. Speaking from a place of curiosity and vulnerability will usually result in a more thoughtful and open response. To help with this, practice using language that expresses how you feel rather than using statements on how the other person is making you feel. This can be accomplished through use of “I statements,” where a person states their feeling and then makes a request to address that feeling.
For example, in a situation where the other parent made a decision related to your child that you strongly disagree with, you might first be inclined to say, “I can’t believe you acted so irresponsibly and put us all at risk.” Avoid such accusatory, arguable statements that only set the stage for further conflict. Instead, a more responsible/adaptive “I statement” might look like, “I feel anxious about the decision that was made without my input and I would like to be a part of future decisions that impact us all.” The latter is an inarguable statement with a request that is more likely to elicit an empathetic and thus collaborative response
Consider your shared goal and cling to that as your driving motivator.
It is likely that you are both most concerned with the safety and welfare of your shared child(ren.) Although you may disagree on how to maintain your child’s safety and welfare, do your best to focus on where you agree. If you feel the conversation moving to areas of disagreement, aim to shift back to those areas of agreement. When coparents can stay focused on the shared goal, they are naturally more inclined to compromise with one another.
Be willing to be flexible.
In an everchanging and quickly moving world, allow yourself to settle into the reality that flexibility is necessary. Whether that is changing up schedules related to quarantine needs or adapting to restrictions imposed by public health officials, work towards being more forgiving with both one another as well as yourself. The willingness to be flexible with one another is a priceless gift, both to give and receive.
Keep at it.
Know that it is both okay and expected to stray from the practice of implementing the strategies discussed here and there is always the opportunity for repair. When you and your coparent find yourself at odds with one another there is always the option to reset and try again. Keep at it.
NOTES FROM BANFIELD COULING LAW & MEDIATION:
Our sincere thanks to Anne Marie Moskal, LMSW, who is a Clinical Social Work Therapist at The Talk Therapy Place. Anne can be reached at: ammoskal@thetalktherapyplace.com
PLEASE NOTE: This blog is not intended to constitute legal, financial or mental health advice. We do not recommend making important decisions without the benefit of specific legal or other qualified professional advice addressing your issues and concerns. We at Banfield Couling Law and Mediation PLLC are here to help navigate your legal matter at any stage of your divorce or family law matter.