WHAT EVERY DIVORCING PARENT SHOULD KNOW

Jamie O’Brien, Family Law Attorney & Mediator

This post is from the heart and from the voice of experience. 

As an attorney, mediator, and divorced mom working inside and out of the courts, these are observations I would like every divorcing parent to know:

·         The reality behind the phrase,  “Your day in Court,” is not what most divorcing people imagine it is. Most people imagine that they will be able to tell the Judge how much they have suffered and how bad the other party is. What they do not realize is that it takes a motion or a trial to tell the Judge anything, and airing your personal issues, debts, and assets in a public setting does not heal emotional issues.  Additionally, the other party will also get to tell his or her side of the story. The result is more hatred, hurt, and suffering for both parties. Nobody “wins” in a divorce trial. A divorce resolution can be done more efficiently and in more private ways if both parties are willing.

·         Arguments and Fighting Between Parents Hurts Kids. From a child’s perspective, it doesn't matter who is right or wrong. The fighting and tension harm the children and make their young lives harder and more stressful. When kids hear either parent put down,  it causes them pain. The more children are exposed to their parents’ conflict, the more likely the children will have serious difficulties in life themselves. Keep the children out of parents’ conflicts and arguments.

·         Children Should Never Have to Testify in a Divorce Case. Working in the courts, I saw the stress this puts on children. I even saw children hide behind furniture or under tables because of the intimidation of the Court system. This is very scary for children. Even older children experience emotional harm of having to testify against a parent. Children should not have to go through this experience. Do everything in your power to avoid this. A Guardian Ad Litem should be used if it is necessary to involve a child.

     Teenage Children Will Take Advantage of Parents. It is difficult to raise teenagers and it is critical that divorced parents communicate with one another so that they know what is going on with their child, as well as where that child is or has been. You should never leave it to your children to carry messages to the other parent. This puts the child in the middle, causing him or her more stress or giving them opportunities to take advantage of the situation.

·         Keep Parenting Decisions in Your Own Hands. If you are unable to agree, then you are allowing a stranger (a judge) to make decisions that will affect each of your futures, and your children’s futures.  Your children will likely grow up to be happy and healthy people if you are able to co-parent and communicate effectively. It is worth it!